Holidays and Conferences

• I just spent 3 days off line. There's something to be said for that, although I'm having fun catching up with all of you friends-in-the-computer.
• We stopped at the National Bottle Museum. I love quirky museums, and I love Politica, who stopped to park even before I'd finished my "It's open!" sentence as we drove by. And Curious Girl clapped when I said we were going into the bottle museum, and wondered whether she should bring in the blue water bottle she'd been drinking from.
• Curious Girl's first report card came home last week. We have a teacher conference in the morning. I'm looking forward to it: kindergarten is clearly going well for her, and her teacher seems to have connected with CG quite well. I'm curious to hear a bit more about CG's social habits in class, and I have a few questions about how persistent she is with challenging tasks at school.
  
• I like CG's school quite a bit. But the report card? Spectacularly uninformative in some key ways. The scale refers back to the state standards, for several reasons, including that "A standards-based report card gives "parents a clear understanding of what their children know, what they are able to do, and what they need to learn in relation to the standards." So the scale on the report card is "Exceeds/meets/nearly meets/fails to meet standards and then "little evidence." Problems here include:
• "little evidence" is not actually on the same scale of exceeding-to-not-meeting any given standard. There might well be little evidence of a student meeting a particular standard; little evidence sounds like a comment about what there is to evaluate, not an actual evaluation.
  
• the report card does not actually point us to anywhere where the actual standards are explained. I remembered that there is an explanation of the report card on the school website, but the explanation there focuses on the transistion from the old (2 years ago) format of report cards. I had to google the state standards.
• the school website does gloss the scale, though, and says that "little evidence" means that "Student's achievement shows little evidence of meeting grade level standards."
  
• When your kid "meets the standard" in October, does that mean she has met the (end-of-grade) standard? Or that she meets the where-we-think-we-are-with-this-standard-in-October-standard?
• CG "exceeds" the standard in music performance. (Yay! I got a 5! she said as we looked at the report card together. She has no clue what the numbers actually mean but clearly has solidly grasped the notion that 5s are bigger than 4s, and at the moment, bigger is better in her book.) On the state standards site, the document I found about arts standards says that there aren't kindergarten level music standards.
• All of this is more philosophically troubling me to me than parentally troubling: CG is having a fine time in kindergarten, and we already knew that this is totally the right time for her to be in kindergarten. (Anyone reading here who's obsessing about whether to repeat a year of pre-K: do it. CG wasn't ready for kindergarten a year ago, and she is in totally the right place now. I could have obsessed about something else during her first year of pre-K. It was such the right call.) So it's not like I have serious questions about what's going on in kindergarten. She's learning to read, she's loving math, she's quizzing us on what are living and non-living things (the subject of the science unit this fall). She likes school, and she's making friends. That's pretty much my idea of good kindergarten outcomes right there.
  
• I really need to come up with a good Thanksgiving entree. But not tonight. Magpie suggested a potato pie, but I am hoping for something with protein (to go along with the turnips braised with maple syrup, and turkey and traditional trimmings my sister will prepare). I'll make bread or rolls of some sort. But what protein? Time to get decisive.
• Except it's time to go to bed. So decisions will have to wait until tomorrow. But comments on non-turkey Thanksgiving options are welcomed!
  

Soggily Slogging towards Equality

Check out Andrew Sullivan's blog for a series of posts that start "The View from Your Protest" for first-hand reports and photos from marriage equality protests around the world. It rained today in Germany--hence all the umbrellas and rain gear in the photo above--but we had over a hundred people, maybe 150 people, at a rainy little rally. It was hard to hear the speakers, but Curious Girl had a great time playing with an 11-month old puppy. The moment of silence at the end was very moving; otherwise, it was an oddly quiet gathering, just a series of speakers, no crowd involvement, no chanting or singing. But there was exhortation to get involved with our state marriage equality organization. And given that Politica and I haven't ever bothered to tell Curious Girl that we're not legally married, perhaps the quiet gathering was just as well. I don't know how to explain the odd (un)legalities of lesbian family life to her just now. I'm not afraid to tackle hard issues with her--but she's young enough to expect everyone to be kind and fair, and I just can't think of a way to explain to her that the way her own family is viewed in the eyes of the law here is profoundly unfair. As far as she knows, we're married, and that's all there is to it.

Here's the letter I've written to our governor, which I will be revising a bit to send to my state legislators, too:

Dear Governor _____________:

We met last August when you attended the reception for new faculty at German State University. I was impressed, then, at the way you've set up a tradition of being so personally involved with German State University and pleased to see the ways in which you make it a priority to attend events like that, which allow you to make personal connections with Germans. I'm glad you value the personal as well as the policy sides of governance. Politics is ultimately personal: the choices you oversee in the executive branch affect the ways in which Germans get to live their lives.

My partner, daughter, and I relocated to Germany late last summer because of the remarkable professional opportunities German State U offered us. More important that those professional opportunities, however, were the state legal protections Germany's domestic partner legislation offered our family. In our previous state, Politica and I had no legal relationship to each other. Here, as far as the state is concerned, we are legal next of kin, and we enjoy all the legal, state-level benefits of marriage.

However, we don't enjoy all the social benefits of marriage, and we don't enjoy all the legal benefits of state marriage that would be recognized in other states. While we are grateful for what Germany offers, I hope that someday soon, I will be able to join Politica in a legal marriage. This would be important to me for several reasons: first, marriage means something in America that domestic partnership doesn't. "I got domestically partnered last summer" just doesn't have the same ring to it that "We got married!" does. Secondly, as our daughter gets older, I don't know how I'm going to explain to her that Germany doesn't think her two mothers are married in the same way that Germany thinks her aunt and uncle are married. In our extended family, there's really little difference in how our family works and how my sister's family works: we work, we love our kids, we enjoy our surroundings. Yet my sister's marriage to my brother-in-law is recognized very differently than my relationship to Politica. My nieces' family has considerably more legal stability than my daughter's, and that troubles me greatly.

Politica and I travel outside of Germany quite frequently. Were we married, an increasing number of other states would recognize that relationship. Unfortunately, our domestic partnership--and the other legal documents we carry with us, such as health care proxies, might not be recognized by officials in other states. When Lisa Pond suddenly fell ill on a cruise ship off Florida and slipped into a coma and died, hospital officials in Miami refused to let her partner of 18 years and their 3 children in to see her, saying that Florida did not recognize their family. Without the benefits of legal marriage, lesbian and gay families depend on the kindness of others to keep their families together in times of stress. It is easy for hospital administrators or other officials to ignore a gay or lesbian partner and turn instead to a sibling of parent for a decision in a moment of medical crisis or death. I hope, should something happen to me, that no one would question Politica's relationship to me. I hope, that should someone question it, my sister and parents would defer to Politica. I hope, but I can't ever be sure. A legal marriage would settle those issues.

Full marriage equality in Germany won't solve all these problems; it will take decades, doubtless, for all 50 American states to arrive at marriage equality. But marriage equality in Germany would be an important step towards that day, and it would be an important step in improving the lives of all Germans. When our daughter runs off to kindergarten in the morning, she mixes on the playground just like all the other kids. When I come to read to her class once a week, I'm just another parent volunteer. When I pay my taxes, I'd love to be just another married German paying her taxes. There's no need to create a separate legal category for some Germans. If you have the opportunity to sign a marriage bill into law, please do it. You'll be making Germany an even better place, for all of us.

Sincerely,

Susan

Speaking Out

Saturday is a day of protest over Proposition 8. There are demonstrations scheduled in every state, and even abroad (although question to organizers: does it really make sense to call Puerto Rico an international location?). There have been many protests in California already, with thousands of protests taking to the streets. It's stirring, the sight of so many people continuing to demonstrate for marriage equality. Andrew Sullivan says it's the beginning of a gay awakening in the US. He comments, "I've long believed that the moment every gay person truly wanted the right to marry, and understood the depth of the injustice, we would win. That moment feels much closer today than it did a week ago."

There's been a lot of divisive commentary over Prop 8--accusations that African-American voters coming out for Obama put Prop 8 over the top. Nate Silver's analysis puts that to rest quite clearly. The reason Prop 8 passed was because too many Californians voted for it, period. Too many Californians who fit into lots of demographic categories voted for it. As Silver notes, if people over 65 had stayed home from the polls, Prop 8 would have narrowly failed. So in another 8 years or so, marriage equality should fare better at the California polls (although it is rather difficult to get things out of constitutions once enshrined. But still, time is on the side of marriage equality). In the meantime, we should all read some very fine posts on the relationships--or lack thereof--between the civil rights movement and the marriage equality movement. Lesbian Dad says: "Surely a silver lining will become evident in the clouds over us (dueling recriminations: homophobe! racist! bigots, all! meanwhile the powers that be at the LDS and the Knights of Columbus lean back, and smile). Lordy at times it feels like not just hard rain, but frogs and locusts are coming down. "

Frogs and locusts, but also lots of protests. The thing is, I can't quite figure out what all the protests are heading towards. In California, there's so much pent-up emotion over Prop 8: protests there make sense to me, as a way of communicating frustration and as a way of working out where to go next. But what does it mean to have nationwide protests about Prop 8? Or a boycott, as some have called for? (boycotts make no sense: gay Californians, those most directly affected by Prop 8, have no ability to not spend money where they live, San Fransisco has long been pushing, and providing, equal rights for queers in areas where the city had jurisdiction, so why boycott SF? plus see an excellent set of arguments over at An Accident of Hope.)

I can't figure out whether there's going to be a protest here in Germany or not. If there is, I'll probably go. But I want a better formulation of what the protest is aimed at: whose opinions are we targeting? What actions do we want to see? In the meantime, here's what I'm planning to do in the wake of Prop 8:

• checking out the marriage equality organization here in Germany. (want to know who's working in your state? Check out the cool stuff going on at Equality Utah! I can't find a comprehensive website listing all the state equality organizations, but HRC is one starting place. Marriage Equality USA has chapters around the country There's also a Jews for Marriage Equality group. Freedom to Marry is another source of state-by-state info. Google "marriage equality" and "your state name here" to find out what's going on in your neck of the woods.)
  
• writing to my governor to let him know what marriage would mean to me and my family
• writing to my state legislators to let them know what marriage would mean to me

I live in a state where it's possible to imagine the legislature enacting marriage equality. And what legislators--and governors with veto power--need to know is that a) their constitutents support marriage equality and b) they won't lose their seats over supporting it. One of the reasons marriage settled reasonably well in Massachusetts is that legislators who opposed civil unions tended to lose seats in the next election; legislators who supported them retained their seats. When legislators understand that their seats aren't at risk over their votes, they are less timid about supporting an issue. Even if you live in a state that already extends legal protections to same-sex couples, write your elected representatives and let them know how much you value those protections. We need to speak up, and speak out.

For Lesbian Dad, with readings

Even with all the hope in my heart before the election, I never assumed we'd win on Prop 8. Polling always overestimates support for gay rights initiatives (on marriage, on employment, on housing) and when the pre-election polls had the issue at 49% opposed, 44% in favor, I figured we'd lose in the voting booth. So for about a week now, I've had one question rattling around in my head: what am I going to say to Lesbian Dad? As anyone reading last week knows, I've been channeling her words on the California election here. What to say to someone who's been working so hard for equality, whose marriage has just been rejected by a majority of voters, and who's been writing so beautifully?

I still don't have the words I want. Despite the incredible joy associated with Obama's victory, the success of Proposition 8, not to mention the marriage bans enacted in Florida and Arizona and the Arkansas straight-people-only adoption law, have just left me feeling rather hopeless, and hopeless isn't very motivating for writing. Hopeless is ridiculous, as I know the demographics are with us. Younger voters are much more in favor of gay marriage than older voters. In California just 8 years ago, 61% of voters approved a law defining marriage as between a man and a woman. A shift of 10% points in 8 years is pretty good. Change will come. Just not this week.

Anyone on the losing end of such an intensely emotional, personal political fight needs time to recover. I'm sitting here, on the other side of the country, frequently crying as I read news reports about California. But I'm also moved at the vision of California I've seen through Lesbian Dad in the past weeks. Her prose: incisive. Her analysis: spot-on. Her humor: always there. Her generosity: omnipresent. She's been working hard to get out the vote and to raise money, and she shares credit with her readers and fellow No on 8 volunteers. Her posts have been tributes to the amazing ground network the No on 8 coalition put together. Lesbian Dad's writing let us see just how hard the No on 8 folks were working. There's criticism emerging (see Andrew Sullivan) over the political tactics on our side in California--but whatever the political postmortems on strategy turn up, there's no denying that tens of thousands of Californians mobilized to give their time for marriage equality. Millions of dollars were raised to counter the LDS-led donations for the other side. And we came close, so very close, to fending it all off.

The world I want for my child is a world in which all our marriages are legally recognized (hell, that's the world I want for me!). The world I want for my child is one that will be shaped by Lesbian Dad and countless others like her: articulate, loving activists who will fight for equality. Our families are built on love, and some day, that love will be legally recognized as creating a family. Someday.

Today, to Lesbian Dad and to the countless others who worked in California, I say, simply: Thank you. You did good. You make my world better. We stand together, and together we will do the work that remains. Together, we will make it better still.


*****************************

From Half-Changed World, lines from Marge Piercy:

This is the blessing for a political victory:
Although I shall not forget that things
work in increments and epicycles and sometime
leaps that half the time fall back down,
let's not relinquish dancing while the music
fits into our hips and bounces our heels.
We must never forget, pleasure is real as pain

From Elswhere:

The arc of the moral universe bends towards justice. Like Anne Frank's quote about people being basically good at heart, I'm not even sure if that's true. But I can only hope so. It makes a good prayer, anyway, if one were a praying person: Please, Spirit of the Universe, if there is such a thing, or if not, then combined spirits of all of us together: Make the arc of history match that of the moral universe, and bend towards justice.

And bend it as soon as you, or we, can.

From Equality California:

Victory was not ours today. But the struggle for equality is not over.

Because of the struggle fought here in California — fought so incredibly well by the people in this state who love freedom and justice — our fight for full civil rights will continue.

Activist and writer Anne Lamott writes, “Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”

We stand together, knowing… our dawn will come.

From Andrew Sullivan:

If we had won this, this civil rights battle would be all but over. Now, it isn't. So we get back to work, arguing, talking. speaking, debating, writing, blogging, and struggling to change more minds. The hope for equality can never be extinguished, however hard our opponents try. And in the unlikely history of America, there has never been anything false about hope.

More Hope

• This post at Andrew Sullivan's made me cry the first time I read it. I am so holding my breath about Prop 8.
  
• Nerdy playdate: Curious Girl and her friend today wanted to see a photo of Barack Obama's grandmother. They noticed there were movies on the Obama website, too, and wanted to watch them. As they stood there watching the Obama bio video, this conversation: "This is not a boring movie. This is a good movie!" "yes, this is a good movie." "Oh, look, that's him when he was a baby!" "This is a good movie."
  

Hope for Today

For California, for marriage equality for all of us. Please vote no on 8:



For America, for the world:

Obama Says He Opposes Prop 8

• In an MTV interview, Barack Obama was asked directly whether he supports Proposition 8. He doesn't.
• Pam's House Blend has a good analysis of the Democratic politics on marriage equality in general and this election cycle in particular.
• And no one but Lesbian Dad could see--brilliantly!--the political inspiration in 101 Dalmations. All dog alert, indeed.
• If you have friends voting in California--or if you are voting in California--please do your best to make sure people know which way to vote on 8.

• Here is the latest video from No on 8:

  
  
  
  

  Here's what No on 8 says about their latest ad:

  
  

  
  

  Everyone you know needs to see this video. Use our easy spread the word tool to blast your contact list.

  
  

  Over these past few months, I know I’ve asked a lot of you. You have sacrificed so much—your time and your money. And you have responded so incredibly, building the largest grassroots movement to defeat an anti-equality ballot measure in history.

  
  

  If there is one last thing you do (before voting NO on 8 of course) it’s to take 30 seconds to watch this video and make sure everyone you know votes no.

  
  
  

  • Donations in California still matter. Given the fact that Obama's MTV interview (which does state his opposition to Prop 8) also hands the other side a nice sound bite about his opposition to marriage, ads will continue to be important. Those of us outside of California can continue to write, and continue to give.
  

  
  

  Now, time to get the work week started. Happy Monday, all.
  

Happy November!

Some more news from California: No on 8 has released a new ad countering the latest from the other side, who are trying to make it look as though Obama supports Prop 8. Obama does not support Prop 8 (although he, like most other major Democratic candidates, supports civil unions rather than marriage--see Pam's House Blend for a very fine post analyzing the problems with the Dems' maneuvering on marriage). Here's the newest ad:

It will cost about $10,000 to keep this ad on the air over the weekend. The Lesbian Dad fundraising goal has been upped to $18K (thanks to the generosity of LD's readers, and readers of the various other blogs on what she's taken to calling the LD Love Train. I feel so groovy!). Thanks to any of you who've contributed. Emergency contributions this weekend will pay for additional fliers, phone banking, and a call to California voters by Magic Johnson. The political organizing going on in California is incredibly creative--please do what you can to support it.

Remember, those of you reading in California: please vote, and please get your friends to vote, and please vote no on 8.

Reading about some of the political tactics employed by the other side on 8 really challenges my faith in humanity (that said, I've got another post brewing about the way this debate has pushed me so quickly to hyperbolic rhetoric that arguably demonizes the other side--I have persued a few personal blogs by writers in favor of 8, and some of them seem like nice people who seem regrettably taken in by arguments that can't possibly make sense. Like the argument that a state's marriage laws will prevent them from teaching morality to their children. I am trying not to demonize: can't we all agree that we don't need the law to represent everything we believe? There are plenty of things that people reasonably disagree about that we don't need the law to regulate.)

I digress....despite the challenges posed by some of the political tactics of the other side, it's felt exciting and at times exhilarating to be even peripherally involved in the fight for marriage rights. Watching fundraising totals creep up, reading comments here and over on LD--it's good. The Equality California blog today has a roundup of some interesting editorials (including one from a Mormon historian who points out that the LDS Church, given its history with persecution, really ought to be leading the fight against discrimination on marriage).

Let's hope we prevail on Tuesday.

Bonus Obama pumpkin shot:

And thanks to all of you reading who are following along with this spurt of single-focused blogging leading up to the election. I just can't get Prop 8 off my mind. No no no no no no no I keep sending out into the universe.

But after Tuesday, one way or another, I'll have other topics to write about. And tonight, I have a date! Politica and I are off to see one of our favorite singer-songwriters, and Curious Girl finally gets a babysitter here. Life is good. Happy November.